Don't Say Anything
by fey-magick
Summary: I love you, Ritsuka. How many times can Soubi repeat those words? And how many times can Ritsuka hear them before his heart breaks?


A/N: This is my first 'Loveless' piece, and I've only read the first volume of the manga and seen the first two episodes of the anime series. As always, 'Loveless' is © Yun Kouga; I will not profit off this work, etc.

Don't Say Anything Ritsuka POV One-shot

By fey-magick

I'm not proud of what I did.

I acted like a little kid, tearing myself away and flinging my body down the street, turning tail and running for my…well, if not my life, then my sanity.

He didn't come after me.

I don't know yet if that hurts or not. My mind is lightning-quick, analyzing, cataloguing, over-thinking everything in sight so I don't have to stop and feel. I know I've tripped once, landing hard on my palms, then forcing myself to just keep going. There's blood on my hands and I—

'—_flashtheburntheshocknumbnessreplacedbyapathyandpainSeimeiSeimeiOnii-chan!—'_

—I will _not_ think about that right now.

My legs are pumping so hard they feel numb, and my lungs ache with every breath. I've never had to run so far, nor so fast, just to get home.

And now I'm bursting through the front door, ignoring my mother—I flinch away from her frantic attempt to either hold me or hit me; both actions scare me to death—racing to my room and bolting the door shut. I collapse against it, heaving for air. But before I feel back to 'normal', a shadow falls over me, and my eyes widen. I feel my ears go back as I reflexively try to burrow back into the door, my teeth bared as I spit out my intruder's name.

He reaches out a hand to help me, but I snap, "Don't touch me, Soubi! Don't…why are you even here!" He obediently crosses his arms and turns his back on me—just like I did to him, the bastard, he _wants_ me to pick up on his stupid subtleties—striding to the other side of my room.

The silence barely lasts a minute before he shifts, blonde hair pooling over his shoulders and twisting between his shoulder blades. "Because," he answers slowly, as if carefully choosing his words, "I love you. Ritsuka."

I can't take this! I feel the growl start from somewhere deep inside me, anger tinting and narrowing my vision to a crimson pinpoint as I pounce on him. We crash to the floor, me landing on top of him, and I savagely grab his collar in one hand while I draw back my fist.

"What is _wrong_ with you!" I yell at him, tugging fiercely at the fabric in my hand. He does nothing, presumably because I ordered him not to touch me. "Damn it, Soubi, you can touch me, I don't care if you fight me back," I grind out.

His eyes narrow and he opens his mouth to say something. I jerk his collar sharply, physically stopping him from speaking as I very mildly choke him. He does nothing, so I lean closer, slamming my other hand against the floor next to his head.

"Do you understand me?" I hiss, staring into his icy gaze. We're barely an inch apart, yet he doesn't react. He doesn't seem to know if I mean understanding my order or understanding what I'm angry about. I don't know, either. '_But that doesn't make anything right, now, does it?'_

So I don't wait for an answer, pitching my voice lower and continuing, "Seimei may have ordered you to love me, but what you don't seem to know is how much that hurts." I give him a moment to question me and he does nothing. I allow him a moment to attack me, and he does nothing. I purposely give him a few moments to do anything his thrice-damned mind can think of, and still, still he does nothing.

'We_ don't understand each other. I am speaking a language you only just learned, and I'm deaf in my right ear.'_ I loosen my grip on his collar, my vision starting to clear. I notice the sharpness in his eyes, and the clench in his jaw. His body is still tense, ready for fight-or-flight. As his shirt, bloodied by my scraped palms, settles around his neck, I can see the letters:

B E L O…

The thought hits me then:

'_Loveless will never be Beloved.'_

Suddenly aching, I roll back on my heels and wrap my arms around myself, my knees on either side of his hips. "Seimei was the only person who ever said 'I love you, Ritsuka'. And he's the only one who ever would, the only one who ever will!" My voice is a whisper breaking on the air, and I'm fighting to hold back tears as I wrench myself away from Soubi, who warily gets to his feet.

"Ritsuka…" He reaches out and tips my chin up, his thumb brushing away a stray tear.

I close my eyes and just like that, the touch disappears. Startled, I look up, and no one is there. My window is open, the curtain fluttering in the wind, stained orange by the light of the fading sun.

Exhausted, I sink to the floor, wrapping my arms around my knees and curling up into a ball. The pounding on the door and the shrill cries of, "Ritsuka! Ritsuka, honey, come out! I've made your favorite! RITSUKA!" are the white noise, the background to my racing thoughts.

I could've ordered Soubi not to love me. I had ample time to say it, to put him on my terms. To put cold, hard Ritsuka back in control of the cold, hard facts. But I didn't.

He came after me.

I don't know how I feel about that, so I escape through my window and start running again. I run so fast that everything whips by, blurs of nature and society that don't mean anything to me. At this point, I am the only thing in the world that is alive, and I feel nothing. At this point, all is good.

That is, until I trip and fall on my wounded palms again. I'm in the park already, and night is coming fast. I drag myself into the cover of a couple scraggly trees and exhale heavily, my head falling against the rough bark to watch the stars appear, one by one.

_Now,_ Seimei's voice says, borne on the wind, and—

The answer comes with such fast clarity that I feel the world grow larger for just a moment.

The answer comes so fast, I feel a rush of energy run through me, reminding me of how Seimei's embrace would transfer the heat from his body to mine.

The answer comes so fast, I think I understand nearly everything.

The answer comes with such swiftness that I feel like Soubi.

Soubi, who 'loves' me, "Ritsuka".

And Seimei, who loved _him_, Ritsuka.

But Seimei is dead. And if Soubi doesn't love me, if he doesn't even pretend, then who will I have?

This is why I can't order Soubi not to love me. It would be heading towards certain death, as opposed to the probable death I might encounter with him. At least with Soubi, I have someone.

And I think Ritsuka would agree when I say I would rather have a poor copy of love than none at all.

**Fin.**


End file.
